Whether you have secondary infertility or you had a successful round of fertility treatments “Are you going to have more kids?” can be a dreaded question. It seems to come up if you have quadruplets or a singleton. Last year we did a holiday guide (as well as a downloadable PDF) on how to dodge the question (presumably before having any children) and many of them can be useful in this situation too. This year, we’ll go over a few simple ways to dodge the question when you already have (a) kid(s).
The truth is your own. You could speak from the heart and explain your situation and your desired goals. This isn’t for everyone, but it’s a good option nonetheless.
This might be fun with extended family or acquaintances. You could say something like “Ugh! I get so little sleep now, why would I want to make sure I get less?” or “If we have one more we’ll have to get a bigger house.” “Kids are so expensive! If I have another kid I won’t be able to by that Louis Vuitton purse.” “We’re playing Russian Roulette with the ‘pull the goalie.’ It’s been fun and exciting to see if we end up pregnant each month.”
If you’ve gone through a round of fertility treatments you’ll know how expensive, emotionally draining, and plain exhausting it can be. When friends and family approach you with the question you can give them a partial truth. “It’s so expensive. We would need to save up before we try for another child.” You could talk about being on the fence “We’re not sure. One kid has been great! I’m not sure I could share my love and attention with another person.” Or just play to the gray area “We’re still not sure. We’re weighing the pros and cons but haven’t decided either way.”
If you have a child of your own, you’ve crossed the invisible border on the “socially acceptable expected lifepath.” The questions and expectations have been minimized, but sometimes they’re still there. If you want to have another child, or if the journey to get where you currently are was difficult, this question can still be difficult to answer. Know your business is just that: your business. You don’t have to divulge any information you would not like to give. Take a moment to get clear on where your boundaries are, then answering the dreaded question “When are you going to have more kids?” will be easier.